there are so many questions running through my head right now. so many unanswered and i don't think they'll ever be answered. just today, i had lunch with her. it was all going well till something came up. we were both so upset. i didn't know what to do. i think i was the more upset of us two. i'm not surprised. i've got more to lose than any of us in this situation.

she held my hand today, telling me that she loves me very much, no matter what happens.

i love you too.

and then she said, "this is still not gonna change my mind, you know?"
and i felt.. i don't know how i felt.. i think that feeling is called.. empty.

after all we've been through, i guess it still isn't enough to change your mind. i'm sorry i made you upset today. it didn't mean to. if there's anything in the world i hate, it is to see you upset.

she found out. it's on the 25th of june, meaning we have 47days left of our relationship. what happens after he goes back, that's another episode i guess. but i have a feeling, i won't be able to go through that episode with her. everything will most probably end on the 25th. great birthday present, isn't it? sigh.

i was just looking back at our chat logs. i read every single word. it's funny how we got here you know.

i'll be blogging every now and then, counting down the days till our relationship ends. lets hope it has a happy ending. it's doesn't hurt to be a little too optimistic, does it?

this is my vow to you my dear princess.

for the next 47 days:
i will do my best to keep you happy, smiling and joyous. if i ever make you upset, tell me so i can cheer you up.
i will treat you with the utmost respect, love and care. if i fail, tell me so i can redeem myself and treat you better the next time.
i will not reveal any unhappiness i feel. if i do, tell me so i can take it all back and be my happy self again.
i will try to find every way to spend as much time with you. if we can't, forgive me.

i miss you already and i will miss you much more when our time is up.

i'm still trying to change your mind. forgive me for my persistence. it's not exactly my best trait so i've been told. but it's cos of my persistence that we're still having what we have now and i'll keep it up for our sake, for our love. i'm gonna keep trying, until you see.

i'm still working on your cd. it's gonna be a corny one. oh well. you need some corny stuff in your life. as well as sweet.

lets make more sweet corn before this ends.

-jelly-

and she will never change it.

i'm in the anger stage of this situation. or is it depression? either way, it isn't good. but i shouldn't complain cos i brought this onto myself. i just wanna say sorry to those who were involved in this. i'm sorry i hurt all of you. i guess i deserve everything that has been thrown at me so far; all the hurt, anger and tears.

i somehow feel that you don't love me as much as you did before. but it's okay. i understand. cos i've really been acting like a jerk lately. i'll make it up to you k. and even if you don't love me as much anymore, i still do.. very very much.

i took the time to write this when you were having your test. i hope you like it. i'm yet to compose a melody for it though. hehe.

 

For so long
You and me been finding each other for so long
And the feeling that I feel for you is more than strong , girl
Take it from me
If you give a little more than you're asking for
your love will turn the key
Darling mine
I would wait forever for those lips of wine
Build my world around you, darling
This love will shine girl
Watch it and see
If you give a little more than you're asking for
your love will turn the key

I just want to be your everything
Open up the heaven in your heart and let me be
the things you are to me and not some puppet on a string
Oh, if I stay here without you, darling, I will die
I want you laying in the love I have to bring
I'd do anything to be your everything

it's gonna end soon baby. and when it does, i hope it will be painless for you. i don't want you to hurt, i don't want you to be upset, i don't want you to cry, because of me. lets make the best out of the time we have left. like i said before, i'm persistent and i'll still try to make things work for the both of us. i hope you will too, though i know, you won't change your mind anymore.

i love you.

-jelly-

it's happening again. do i deserve it? maybe i do. i just want things to be simpler than they are right now. i love you so much but at the moment, it doesn't seem to do anyone any good. brilliant isn't it?

i hate it and yet, i get myself involved in it.

i just want you, more than anything in the world.

genting was fun. so so so much fun =). everything went our way. except for the fact that it was raining during our trip back but that's alright.

took a coach to the cable car station. the cable car trip was probably longer that the bus ride. it seemed like it la. it was actually pretty scary. we were like suspended in mid air inside a gondola which was filled with old men with only a thick wire to support our weight. sometimes i keep thinking that it'll snap. touch wood. and i just found out that our cable car system is actually the fastest in the world and the longest in south east asia. champion la.

got off the gondola, went looking for first world with some help from the signboards and checked in. in the lobby, there was this random dude who came up to me asking for help cos apparently, there's an age limit for checking in. i couldn't help cos it'll be suspicious to check in to two rooms one after the other. eventually, he got the room. don't know how though =S.

we were pretty bummed the first day. tired from the two trips we made earlier. had a nap and tried to help each other complete my friend's biology project. we never got it done in the end. very agonising process, my friend said.

went out to look for the mamak stall in this parking lot that i found the previous time i went up to genting. pretty cheap food but the fried stuff were all so tough and soft and hard to chew and difficult to swallow and dry. but we had a nice dinner =).

went to bed pretty early. played some games first before we slept though. super fun. hehehe.

woke up at seven (amazing, isn't it?) went for breakfast which was very stale but nevermind la. free food is always good food. that's what i tell myself all the time la. and then... THEME PARK! WHEE!!! happy happy joy joy. we went for almost all the thrill rides. best one was the flying coaster! two continuous rides might i add =). yay-ness.

cockscrew was brilliant too. we should've gone for another ride, right? oh well. there's always next time =). i think the stupidest ride we went was the crazy space lab one. oh gosh. pointless! wasted half an hour of our lives. urgh.

of all the rides to get sick at, it was the teacup ride. never ever underestimate the teacup ride. it's a horrible horrible horrible thing. it spins and makes you feel dizzy. just when you're feeling queezy, it taunts you with its theme song which sounds like the paddle pop song. at the end of the ride, you just wanna throw up. don't ever go on that ride. seriously.

we had dinner in the plaza and then went window shopping. the best selling item was the "love box condoms". the first day when we went into watson, there were bout ten of them. and the day after, it was all gone. haha. went to sleep pretty early. i think cos we were still a little sick from the teacup ride. oh well.

the next day was pretty short. took the cable car down, bus ride, took a cab when we reached kl sentral. and thats bout it. it was alot of fun. i would go through that all over again and again if given another chance.

i loved it.

-jelly-

i woke up late today. i was so oblivious to my alarm, which is actually the sound of a person yelling "wake up! wake up!" in cantonese. no, i'm not apek.

i went to school without much petrol. it was almost empty. and i was like, "shit". it was pretty scary cos i couldn't find any petrol kiosks until i was pretty near college. i was so quiet through out the whole journey. was praying so hard that it won't break down. sounds hilarious but no, it isn't. try it and you'll know how i felt.

my friend just called. he has a problem with his girlfriend. he said he feels like shit. and suddenly, i thought of myself. i, too, feel like shit now.

this is the emo part of today's entry. gosh. this seems to becoming a trend. i hope it won't happen so often cos i only do this when i'm upset. does that mean i'm upset all the time? urgh. this isn't good. save me.

it's pretty common to hear about complications arising in a relationship. every now and then, if we get "lucky", we'll see a couple walking pass by us, exchanging rough and vulgar language. how graceful. but this is seriously no laughing matter.

my friend's girlfriend has been losing her feelings towards him apparently. why? he does not know. you see, complications like this does not require much explanation and reasoning to it. if you don't feel it anymore, you just don't. you can't possibly force it out, can you?

love is so unpredictable. it can be so wonderful at times but it can also be really really painful and agonising sometimes. but you know what the funny thing is? no matter how many times we get hurt, no matter how much trouble we have to go through, we always come back for more. it's like a drug. in fact, it really is very much a drug. it does kill, you know?

it changes a person in so many ways. it makes us flip 180 degrees one minute and then flips us back the next. it asks for very little and yet, it's very demanding. it demands respect from you but it sometimes takes away the respect people have for you. pretty unfair isn't it? that's how love is.

but when it does go your way, everything's so wonderful. your days are brighter and merrier. your troubles seem to never exist before. you become carefree and happy.

my friend has always been very happy, until lately. he's working very hard to keep it intact but it seems to me like it's a lost cause. sometimes, hard work doesn't get a person anywhere. and this is one of those times. i'm sorry. even so, i hope everything turns out for the better.

hard work isn't everything. i'm trying my best to do what i can do too. it's not easy, especially with the situation in hand. it just complicates things alot more. i think the best way to succeed in matters of love is...

is...

is...

i don't know. if i did, i probably won't be talking about this right now.

it's only been half a day and i already miss how we used to be. can we go back to how we were a day ago? i liked it. and im sure you did too.

i wanna write you a love song. give me a title and i'll work on it.

love is being stupid together. i think we are in some ways. don't you think so =)?

-jelly-

yes people. i've been inspired to post an entry cos of a certain someone. i don't know how many of you still read my blog though. hmph.

the last time i blogged was june 2007, which was a very long time ago by the way. i'll sum up everything that has been happening in this paragraph. ever since june, i've not done anything. i've been bumming (which according to someone, it means being homeless. i strongly disagree.). sat for the AS examinations in november and scored 3A's. i was pretty content about it but i knew i could've done alot better. oh well. the new year celebration was good. and now, i'm having my trials in a weeks' time. i have not finished studying. champion la. the end.

it's 2.30am. i can't sleep. i'm thinking of so many things right now. so many questions darting pass through my mind.

i must warn you that this entry is gonna be a very emotional entry. so if you do not wish to continue, don't. but i have a feeling you'll like to see what happened to me. it's human nature to feel like that.

lately, alot of things have been popping up. some pretty unwanted things but they could not be helped. things like this just happen, you know. before i know it, the guilt just kicks me in the face. but sometimes, i just feel that what i'm doing is somehow very right. it certainly feels very right. whether it is or not, it's for others to judge.

i've learnt today, that the sad moments we have in life have a bigger impact on us than the happy moments. that's why we remember the downs rather than the ups. and when we do, we sit down and think to ourselves, "what if... what if...", and we just hold that thought there, never knowing what could have. i'm feeling that way right now.

if only i was capable of turning back time, i would turn back to the time when i had to choose between two colleges. everything will be so different right now if i made the other choice. and when things like this happen, you just know, everything's just not going your way. but i've said it before, if it's meant to be, then things will swing your way no matter what. i just hope that things will turn out like how i want it to be. somehow.

i've never felt so undone before. i've worked hard to come to where i am right now. maybe not all the time, but i do try. i deserve something special out of all this crap i've been taking in. is there no justice in this world? i guess not. but then again, you can't have things your way all the time, can you? i wish.

like i said just now, sad moments have a bigger impact on everyone. people find it difficult to forget them. they leave scars, sometimes deep.

and now, my question to you is, when was your happiest moment? can you truly answer that? i can't.

i want you. i need you. i miss you. i love you. i really do.

i'll wait. will you?

-jelly-

i've shifted. this blog won't be active anymore.

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